Starting over, yet again
by Chloe Fluer
Summary: This story deals with Bella’s depression after Edward left her in chapter “The End” in second book of Twilight series: New Moon. Bella realizes that her life before Edward was memorable.She makes a decision to pull herself together & find a way to live.
1. Prolouge

**Authors' Notes ****: I don't like authors' notes so i will try to make this as short as possible. This is my very 1st fan fiction. I wanted to write it for some time, I just did not have courage to do it until now. Stephenie Meyer owns everything, I am just playing with her characters and giving it some of my own fantasies. **

**This story takes place in New Moon, after Bella crashes in the chapter "The end". This story will be written in BPOV and will deal with her depression and her life after Edward. **

**Starting over yet again - Prologue**

_» The waves of pain that had only lapped at me _

_before now reared high up and washed over my head, pulling me under._

_I did not resurface. «_

Yes . . . I had Charlie picking me up from the wooden floor of my room hours or maybe days later. My body does not understand the time, and my mind. .. Well, my mind was all I had left. How ever damaged or out of control. Every time I try to piece it together I just . . . I feel it. That glitch. I remember feeling its presence ever since I learnt how different I was, how I've never fit in anywhere. I knew that thing was partly responsible for my miseries.

As far as my heart – it was gone. Either he took it with him or destroyed it that day I wished I died. Just like in a shitty preteen romance novel.

He. . . Edward. Yes . . . I could think his name, I could.

NOW.

Now was safe to think of it. I was alone in my damaged mind and his name actually gave some sort of a meaning to why I was here. Why the solitude I cherished and craved all my upbringing was now set aside for „my own good". Because ever since I hit the bottom, I was not trusted to be alone. There would always be someone near by, maybe not in the same room – but still too close. Always wide awake, watching every breath, my every move. Days of silence of my own private space were gone.

They meant well, but they were wrong to be afraid for me. I would not damage or in any way hurt my body. What were my chances of feeling anything after . . .

I would watch my veins and how they pulsed. That is how i was sure that my heart- the essential organ of my body was inside of my chest. Working for me. SO that I could live, walk, breath, talk, eat. Live. Breath. Take in air – get the oxygen and exhale whatever my by-someone-called-irresistible blood did not need.

I ate to be strong, to give my body what it needed, hoping it will give me pleasure of comfort. So that I will be able to caress my arms with my fingertips and feel the softness without recalling butterflies from his cold and smooth touch.

Not interesting . . . not good enough... What did I even expect ? For how long would have the scent of my blood remain interesting to him, would make him stick around ? To my very end ? To the end of my mortal life and his eternal guilt ?

Now i understood. I had no idea what Edward and I were. I didn't know him at all.

„_I am not human"_

I wanted to recall every moment we spent together, to recollect all the possible sings of his withdrawal. What was I missing ? Before, i could easily pretend that bad things did not happen, I could put them in one large box in my head, without even giving it any effort.

Why was not every awakening starting with the scene of him in the woods. Looking at me with those cold golden eyes in silence after finally telling me, admitting how we did not exsist anymore. How he grew tiered of me.

„_Bella, we are leaving."_ – how did I not see it, hear it from the sound of his voice with that cold stare.

„_I don't want you to go with me."_

„ _. . .it's time for a change "_ –change of pace, change of the environment. Change.

„_Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human."_ – how inhuman was he look he gave me while saying those lines. How cruel and yet his stone white face was still angel-like.

And I begged him not to do this to us. To me. And then, he gave the final strike, the one that left me disarmed in every possible way.

„_You're not good for me, Bella"_

So i had to let go. To love and cherish everything he gave me, every moment I've managed to steal from his immortality. In gaze i remember promising him I would take care of myself and how in return I'll never be disturbed by him or his family again. How he will make sure I go on with my life, as if he never existed.

_"Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind."_

** ** **

„_Bella ? Bella honey are you awake ?"_

My guardian was here.

„_Bella honey, it's time to at least take a sip of water. Honey please don't make me beg you. You need water at least. Say something honey. . . Let me hear your voice!"_

She desperately wanted to take care of me. She needed a sing that I was there. That I was present, that I knew how worried she was and how she needed for me to get better.


	2. Chapter 1

**Title**: Starting over, yet again

**Author**: Chloe Fluer

**Category**: Hurt/Comfort/Romance

**Rating**: M

**Summary**: This story deals with Bella's depression after Edward left her in chapter "The End" in second book of Twilight series: New Moon. Bella realizes that her life before Edward was . . . Well, not memorable. Not even to herself. She makes a decision to pull herself together & find a way to live.

**Disclaimer**: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight series and all the characters. I am just messing around and having fun.

"_They say they don't know when, but a day is gonna come, when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun, It will just go black, to the way it was before."_

It was very difficult.

Getting up from the bed. I could literally feel the force of my own weight times three thousand sixty five pressing me down. René had to use one of those wet paper tissues to remove stickiness off the skin of my limbs&face One of the hardest things I had to go: I honestly had to leave the bed that after all the time still smelled like HIM. Beside smell of weeks of my own smell.

My mind mixed days and nights. The sent of him was woven into the mattress&sheets, it was all making me woozy and . . . dazzled. His breath could do that to me, his presence was always too much for my needy, mortal heart.

But, enough. This has to end. How did I end up here? Maybe, just maybe my mind would not let me sleep, let me release him - the memories of him spending the nights beside me, watching me, loving me . . . At least - I believed he loved me all of those nights. Was I that interesting to watch or was he learning something from the time he was with me? Training himself - his thirst, his power over himself? ENOUGH! This has to stop.

I cannot do this to myself again! Have I been blinded by my own shallow view of life?

How have I ended up here? Back in this place I do not belong, with my father, who knows how to be a parent just as I know how to be a human. Why am I torturing him? Making him feel useless and frustrated. My mother could not help me. My existence was linked to her by my conception, pregnancy, birth and brief period of nursing. Apart from that - René had no idea what to do with me. She would observe and give Zen like analyses, of me and pretty much everyone who would stick long enough to listen. Phil does not mind . . .

As for her child - her only child. Well, supernatural failed, so I guess . . . However, I try; however I occupy my mind - sooner or later it comes back to January 18th 2005. The day that have changed my predictable short life for good. I managed to leave warm, sunny Phoenix for cold, rainy Forks, realizing that no matter how good it felt on the sunshine, feeling the warmth. I was not to spend my life there. That is why it was easy to leave. Yes, I missed it - but not for a long time- René was acting restless. I actually envied her. She and Phil were completed and all the worries and hopes, for me were now sifted to Charlie, my summer dad.

Is this really necessary? Recalling my life story in order to put things in place, to set the record straight and manage to pull myself out of the bed, out of this … mood? More like-this life I've built myself with my supernatural acquaintances and abilities that gradually, but firmly would lead me to certain death. That Tyler van thing was only one in Forks, but now that I think of it-I escaped death many times in Phoenix, but managed to repress most of the freaky incidents in school, on the streets, even in ER . . .

At this time I am not competent enough to make an overview of my life. That day in cafeteria in Forks High School I met five inhumanly beautiful creatures, one of them almost took my life that day and days after, he saved my life from wild truck on one icy morning.

Edward was a man, but not a human. He said that to me once. The first night he stayed beside me. Well, first time I was aware of it anyway. I never seemed to understand his fascination with watching me sleep, eat, read, even prepare food. He would scan me, like that MRI machine-memorizing every little spot on my face, on my skin. Memorizing every movement of my eyes while consuming me with his golden-butterscotch eyes that would get darker day by day. The depth of them, how warm, would hypnotize me and gentle they would be.

Yes, I could recall perfectly that moment and the liquid texture of his mesmerizing eyes. How golden they were that day he announced to me that he was leaving me, fulfilling his promise from spring, never to put me through the experience of being put in danger by a vampire, even his own brother. The final struck was when he finally told me the truth.

That I was not good for him.

*** *** ***

"Shouldn't we do something more about it?"

"We must not disturb her . . . I don't agree with doctor Gerandy, but we are not communicating with her in any way."

"We can not just hand her into a care of a person we never-"

"She is not getting up, René . We cannot feed her that soup."

"She is falling apart"

_Silence_

She is already broken. That boy. Edward. Whatever he said to her, whatever happened in the woods that dat the Cullens left the town -"

"You cannot say that Edward did anything, I saw the adornment he had for her in Phoenix, I am sure he loves her."

"That's how I know he was the one who did this to her, only he could do this to her. There was no one else with that kind of influence over her."

"Charlie, she told me in Phoenix that it was just a crush-"

"Just a crush? Crush left her like this in the woods! I know that look, that empty look in her eyes. There must be more we could do. It has been weeks …"

_**A/N**__- does the quote fit?_


End file.
